Dvr. H.Adler
No 30765
179 Gen Tnpt Coy
R.A.S.C
M.E.F

October 1942

That evening then, when the stupid train took you off and left me all alone on the tumultuous platform, I was as stupefied as I had been on the morning when they announced your visit.  Suddenly all of me was dead. I was no longer myself; I could no longer think or talk. I felt nothing. I didn’t even know that I was sad and that I suffered. Like a machine out of gear I began to drag myself in the direction of the city. On the way, I tried to whistle any old tune to prove to myself I was alive –[line illegible because of folding].

Seated in a café, I took a scrap of paper and a pencil and quite decided to do it, began to write to you. But soon after having placed on the paper the naive and traditional “My dear little Yvette” I had to abandon this — colossal enterprise.  I couldn’t do it darling.

I drank lots of coffee and smoked lots of cigarettes. I stared for a long time at the shop lights from the front, then my dull and indifferent glance strayed on to the disgraceful street. I saw that most “modern” Egyptians are rather corpulent and wear glasses. I saw that here the children don’t even take the trouble to chase away the flies that entirely cover their beautiful eyes. I saw that the street is filled with men but that not a woman finds herself among them. They are seated high up, near the windows, behind the curtains watching their husbands enjoying life. I saw my comrades watching me from afar, as though I was a curious animal. I bought a newspaper. It had a pile of showy headlines in thick letters. I unfolded it fairly quickly refolded it again. Nothing there to awaken my vanished spirits. Raucous incomprehensible voices with occasionally some Arab melodies no less incomprehensible, came from the radio. I was so inert, so insensible of everything and everyone that even the hawkers and Egyptian shoe-shiners could do nothing against this listlessness. And it was like that, darling, that I stayed rooted to the spot on my chair, until at last the film was over and the truck took me back to the camp. I threw myself on my bed, fully clothed and fell into a heavy asleep. That night, I did not dream.

At four hours of the night I was woken to drive 400 kilometres into the desert. It was awfully cold. I was shivering. And it was only then that all my senses returned All of them to you, My first thought was for you. I have begun to live again, darling.

All my heart and my entire head are filled with you my dear little adored Yvette. So here I am, close to you as you travel in the train, alone in the compartment with nothing but a light coat as a cover. If only I were there to give y ou a little of the heat caused by the immense flame, which lights up my heart. What would I have given to be able then to take you in my arms, to cover you with my body, with my kisses, to murmur words of love which would have protected you from the cold. I would have caressed you with my trembling fingers, as never before has a man caressed a woman. I would have warmed your feet with my breath and my gaze would have enveloped your soul with gentle beneficent warmth.  I would have—But why write “I would have’? I was truly there, in the train, right next to you and not close to my steering wheel on that long monotonous desert road. Here there was nothing but shadow. Myself, all the best of me was at your side, darling. I gently, lovingly cradled you and I guarded your troubled sleep. Isn’t it true, darling?

Yvette, darling, I told you that after the torpor that took hold of me with your departure I at last began to live again on this cold night. Yes, to live. Intensively and passionately. 400 km = 8 hours driving! I often now make this journey. For then I escape my surroundings and shut myself away with you. And that’s when I really live. An airforce officer was seated at my side. He tried in vain to start a conversation. I flatly refused. Let him go and pester someone else with his cultivated spirit.  I have nothing to say to him. I have my little Yvette who I love and who loves me. In her, and no one but her, are concentrated all the intelligence and all the beauty in the world. And she has offered it to me. Oh darling, thank you, a thousand times thanks you!

I love you – oh yes- from the time I saw you and you spoke to me. And since then it has grown more deeply in me. It grows without cease, invading from all sides, makes me laugh and cry, sing and shout. It possesses me entirely, and each cell of my body, from my head to my feet, Yvette, feels you and lives only for you. Oh little adored one, I need you as I need air to breathe.

That night, my arms guided the steering wheel and I left. I saw everything again. The whole beautiful day of my renaissance. What force could uproot that day from my heart?

I saw you again, arriving, walking towards my vehicle, your coat and your bag in your hands, your red hair blown by the wind, a marvellous smile on your lips and in your eyes. And me, all gauche, confused and stupefied, stammering hello, my words pale and deformed. Oh what a shock it was for me, to see you. It took the wind out of my sails. You expected something else, didn’t you?  But I felt nothing any more, darling, and I didn’t know what to do or what to say.

And then, the two of us in my tent.  I could not tear my eyes from your head, and they caressed it before my hands did. Oh it was difficult there in the tent, where a powerful desire urged me to clasp your strongly to me but I was still dead. And all those stupid people who suddenly began to gather around the tent to see with their own eyes the woman with the red hair who had suddenly fallen from the sky into the desert. How they got on my nerves!  The one time that my soul would have found peace in the desert solitude, the comrades filled it with people. But basically I was still unconscious the whole time. I had not yet realised that you were really at my side. That is why I was not quick tempered.

And then, the town. “The best room in the best hotel”. And you, Yvette. Oh darling, darling, how beautiful you are, sweet and loving! My little wife, tied to me for ever, fro ever and ever- I have so feebly evoked that moment of absolute happiness that I would like to throw away the pen, tear up this deceitful paper and take my head in my hands, close my eyes and let myself go into a dream. In this dream, to see and re-live each detail, each word, each gesture.  “The best room” and you. But when you are there, Yvette, everything is beautiful and touching. Because I love you darling. I love you so much. I love your body; I love your soul. My muscles live and think of you and would die if I did not think of you.

It doesn’t matter at all that the room was poor. We saw the tops of the great trees and we were high up. Higher, much higher than the sky.

And then the Nile. The little boy with the negro’s nose and a lovely row of teeth who gathered roses and offered them to you – because you love me and I love you.

You know, I have the impression that there are two people who guessed all our happiness. They felt it and not understood. It was the little boy and that Arab who so resembled a monkey. I am quite sure that they blessed us, for our joy was reflected in their hearts. I feel very much like going to see that woman more often.

The fishing boat and the foot of the old discreet Arab sailor. You drowsy and I contemplating your beauty. How beautiful you are, darling! And how good it is that you are so beautiful. And that you belong to me! Don’t believe it was the waves of the Nile that rocked you, darling. The hot, admiring waves that flowed from my heart are much more powerful and it was they that rocked you.

And then, the evening trip in the cab.  Seated side by side there, we were as one. A sigh, a thought. Sublime. There my hands farewelled you and there I whispered in your ear all my love for you. Tell me, my dearest dearest darling, isn’t it true that in that cab we approached the divine? Isn’t it true that there was enough love and sweetness there to save the sinking world?

I cannot, darling. Incapable. I love you, I love you little Yvette, mine.

Henri.

Hello and best wishes from Paul.